First Stop: San Francisco and the Rediscovery of Fun

When I began to make plans to attend and present at two academic conferences in Australia and India later this month, I learned about a travel option that would allow me to make five stops on a trip around the world for one flat rate that was much cheaper than the estimate I had submitted to the university for approval. I have taken advantage of this opportunity to include a couple of other stops on my journey the first of which is San Franciso to visit my brother, Sean, and his wife Lynn. The thought of spending a couple of days with Sean helped me to realize the greater depth of what this journey is all about for me and to be intentional in my contemplation and reflections upon it.

For context, I am the oldest of four children and there are ten years between Sean and myself. We are very different people in many ways, but we have a bond that grows stronger every time we are together. Because we are so different, I learn a lot about myself from just being around Sean and interacting with him. In some ways, it is hard to believe that we both grew up in the same household in which religion affected everything and often in rather negative ways.

First of all, Sean has always known how to have fun. He has an easy smile and as a child would fall into bouts of hysterical laughter at the least little thing that would soon have the rest of the family laughing at his laughing until our sides hurt. Sean never seemed to be overly affected by the fear and anxiety that often marked our family environment. Whereas, I dutifully submitted to the religious influence and the fear based messages of the potential consequences that would come with anything less than complete obedience to a stern and judging god, Sean could not be bothered by such a narrow path.

Not that he was a rebellious child by any means. He would first have to be angry to be rebellious and I have seldom seen Sean angry. I have known my brother to be very competitive and determined, to have experienced significant disappointment, and to display and articulate irritation in certain situations, but I cannot recall times when he was angry. In situations that would have my blood boiling Sean has a way of shrugging it off and moving on to the next thing, refusing to be brought down by the situation.

I have spent most of my life on low boil and I have been aware of that for many years. I believe that I do a pretty good job of keeping my anger in check, but others may well disagree. There are a lot of reasons for the anger the details of which I do not need to go into here, except to say I believe that the driving force is the feeling of being unworthy that comes from a fearful religious upbringing. More importantly, I acknowledge that my anger has cost me friendships and important relationships for which I am very sorry. In the past few years, I have been able to acknowledge and deal with it in constructive ways. While it has been too little, too late for some relationships, I am working hard to lay down the anger and to embrace a happier outlook that believes it is okay to have fun, to experience pleasure, to love life, to laugh with others rather than to be bothered by them, and so on.

So yesterday I enjoyed exploring San Francisco with my brother and sharing some good laughs and creating some timeless memories. Sean started a brotherly air hockey competition many years ago when he was in college that we renew each time we are together if we can find an arcade. Yesterday that arcade was on Fisherman’s Wharf with a view of Alcatraz in the distance. We left it at a 1-1 tie, although I did have 12 total points to Sean’s 11, but who is counting? The point is that where I saw the arcade and thought nothing of it, but Sean saw the opportunity for some fun and friendly sibling competition and bonding.

I know that fear and anger shuts down my ability to see and appreciate the life that is going on all around me. I know that it is easy for me to say that I am going to pay more attention and enjoy life, but I also know that I have a hard time actually doing so. I have often heard that experiencing the life of India changes a person forever. I am hopeful the same will be true for me.