Faith, Knowledge, Doubt, and Depression

Well, November came and went without a blog post, but I am not going to apologize as I was enjoying most of November back in Kansas with my family. I am back in Kent briefly to wrap up the semester and then heading back to the Land of Oz. So this may be the only post for December as well. It has been snowing since about noon and I am getting ready to go out to attend the Kent Festival of Lights, which brings me to the topic of this post. 

One of the things I have really had to monitor during the past several months of living alone is depression. It has been a recurring problem over the years, but this experience has been a strong motivator to deal with it more thoroughly than usual. I know that my nervous system tolerates only a cup of coffee per day. Any more than that I can usually start to feel the anxiety and depression building up. Thank goodness for decaf. Daily exercise is also vital for keeping my depression in check and I am thankful for a daily schedule that makes it easy to fit in 30-40 minutes most every day. I know that this time of year when there is less daylight and the nights are colder gets me down, which brings me back to the Festival of Lights.

I know that this is more of a commercial/festive event than anything spiritual, but it reminds me of the ancient rituals of turning back the night and leads me to the topic I have been pondering for a couple of weeks: where faith begins and knowledge ends. Another value in this equation for me, however, is doubt. 

I grew up believing that faith was more important than knowledge. Knowledge was valuable of course, but it was more important to believe that the end was near, that Jesus was coming back at any time, and only those strong in their faith would be whisked away to heaven, while all those who valued knowledge more than faith would be left behind to suffer. There came a point in my life when I rejected all of that and took up the power of doubt to liberate myself from the fear of unreasonable faith. But for me the price of liberation, the cost of skepticism, is having to accept  uncertainty and the occasional bout with depression. 

I am experiencing a new appreciation for folks who are able to believe, who have faith, but not at the expense of knowledge. I am encountering people who, while seeming not to doubt their faith, are at least being conscientious in their effort and obligation to continually extend their knowledge of the world. This has helped me to realize my error in assuming that people of faith tend to draw a circle within which they stand with their faith and are content to never venture beyond the circle into the unknown. I have also become aware of my lapse in questioning my own lack of faith, my drawing a circle around my doubts and refusing to venture into the world of faith. 

Faith continues to be irrational for me, but not any less so than whatever motivated the many parents I saw this evening bringing their kids out in the cold and the snow so the children could stand in line to tell Santa what they want for Christmas. It was good to see the smiles, to watch snow angels being made, and to just witness and appreciate the innocent belief children that life is good. I was reminded that, as a child, there still was uncertainty, but there was also faith that the adults in my life were in control and that everything was going to be okay. 

Then, of course, there comes a time when we have to be the adults and we come to realize how very scary it is to be the one who is supposed to make sure everything is going to be okay. The inability to make everything okay for everyone in my life is another cause of depression, but is not near as easy to control as limiting coffee intake or taking time to exercise.